Some time back, I came across the practice of Nonviolent Communication. Since then, I have constantly thought about it when I hear myself and others communicate violently. Since the practice has stayed with me for a sufficiently long time, I feel comfortable and authentic in sharing with you now.
Before we move ahead, let me borrow Marshall Rosenberg’s definition of “violent” communication. The man who conceptualized this practice.

If “violent” means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate could indeed be called “violent” communication.
— Marshal Rosenberg, Author: Nonviolent CommunicationA Word: I used to communicate violently. If you too are used to communicating “violently” most of the time, it is likely that after reading this letter, your mind would shout “No way! This wouldn’t work!” And that is completely fine. There’s a reason why it is called a practice. It is difficult to see its effects on your relationships with others and yourself, without practising it yourself.

First, some self-reflection

I hold an optimistic worldview, which includes seeing humans as a net positive addition to this world. So I’m not going to proclaim that “we are all violent, egomaniac animals, suffering from a disease called life.” No, that’s not me. So, instead, you assess yourself. Carry out a brief self-reflection and determine where you stand in terms of “violent” communication.
Get some idea of your level of violence by reflecting on the following questions:

  • Do I blame people around me often?
  • What is the underlying tone of the majority of my communication: condescending, sarcastic, aggressive, humiliating? Or Understanding, accommodating, curious?
  • In an argument, what is my end goal: Winning the argument, making the other party feel inferior, shifting the blame, taking responsibility or finding the solution?
  • How do I feel at the end of an argument: peacefully satisfied, victorious, defeated?
  • Do people fear confronting me? Why?

By the end of this brief self-reflection, your guts would have already answered you. The higher the level of violence in communication, the more uneasy you would have felt while reading the questions.
No matter what the feeling you’re sitting with, all of us go through it.
All of us have Jackal and Giraffe within us.
Take a look.

The Jackal and The Giraffe Style

Dr. Rosenberg presents two animals, a Jackal and a Giraffe, to symbolize their perceived nature with our communication style.

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The idea is to slowly transform our lives towards the giraffe way.

How? Using the NVC framework.

The NVC framework

Dr. Rosenberg proposed a Nonviolent Communication framework.
When someone proposes concepts in the form of a framework, that signals they are being process-driven. They’re telling us: do this, this and this, in this and this order and you will get the results.
That is what I like about the NVC framework.
It is based on four components put together while communicating with a person:

  1. Observations: We share our observations related to their behaviour/the matter at hand.
  2. Feelings: We also share how we feel about the observation.
  3. Needs: We identify our needs/desires that are at the base of those feelings.
  4. Requests: Finally, request some concrete actions from the other person’s side that would solve the issue.

These are some bare-minimum moving parts of this framework. For the complete understanding and nuances, I recommend you read Dr. Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication.

In any case, let’s take an example

We will take a simple example. Let’s say, one of your teammates is often late at work. You need to confront him about this behaviour.
In this situation, this is how the NVC components can help:

  1. Observations: You observe the teammate being late often. You try to observe it objectively, without making any assumptions.
  2. Feelings: You acknowledge and express that as a manager, you feel disappointed, frustrated, and disrespected by your teammates not showing up for work and meetings as expected.
  3. Needs: You identify the needs behind the different feelings you feel by this observation. For example, you identify that you feel disappointed because he used to show up on time in the past. This new behaviour is not meeting your need for predictability. You also identify that the frustration stems from the need to get the work done on time. And about the feeling of being disrespected, it might be because when your need to be kept in the loop is not satisfied by your teammate, you may be feeling disrespected.
  4. Requests: Considering the first three components, you express a request to your teammate in a clear, concrete and positive manner. Make sure that the words and tone do not imply a “demand” from your side.

So what do you tell them?​
There’s no format. Because there can’t be. Everyone is unique.
But still, whatever you say, it should not miss the key components and the flow: you share that you noticed your teammate has been coming to work late more often than usual. And that makes you feel a bit disappointed and disrespected. Then you ask them whether there is a situation that is leading to their frequent late arrival. And lastly, you conclude with your request to see them at 9.30 in the office.

Why bother with this practice?

Sure, it looks like a lot of work. Instead, why not go old-school by writing a harsh email with an ultimatum and shouting at the person? (And definitely, that may work for some people.)
​But does it have to be our default behaviour?​
The beauty of practising Nonviolent Communication is that it enriches our life. It brings a level of satisfaction that only a compassionate way of life can bring.
And most importantly, it changes the way we think, feel and talk to ourselves.

Do you have someone in your life who’s your go-to person to share your deepest troubles? Next time you talk to them, can you observe their language and intentions? My guess is that you will find them communicating non-violently.
In future, whenever you put NVC into practice, don’t forget to share your stories with me. If you already have some, Hit Reply and share them with me.

Reads of the week:

ESR on Mechazilla Catch and Men’s Feelings

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I came across the noted Programmer and Hacker ESR’s comment on this meme image and it resonated with me. If you’re anything like me, I’m sure it will resonate with you too.

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How exactly does encryption in our websites work?: Genius RSA Algorithm

​Part-1, runtime: 8 minutes​
​Part-2, runtime: 12 minutes​
All of us browse the internet and visit different websites. Whenever we try to visit a website that starts with ‘http://’ instead of ‘https://’, our browser warns us about the website being insecure. In common terms, it is said that the website lacks SSL/TSL certificate.
What’s that?
And how does that encryption work using a combination of magical mathematical algorithm called RSA Encryption Algorithm? (By the way, RSA comes from the surnames of Ron Rivest, Adi Shamir and Leonard Adleman who publicized the algorithm in 1977.)
I know you might not have thought about it, but when I came across this video explaining the RSA algorithm, I couldn’t help but wonder at the beauty of mathematical applications in our lives.
It is incredible how we can’t decrypt a message over the internet even if we have the algorithmic formula.
You will agree with me that Eddie Woo is a phenomenal teacher.